It feels like a lot of my behaviour of late has certain similarities to that of burning a former lover's photos and possessions after a particularly acrimonious split. I've delibrately sought to eliminate many physical elements that remind me of my past. I've thrown away the few photos I have of myself along with most of the photos of past friends, holidays, nights out etc. I've destroyed all letters, cards etc. which I've been given at one point or another. This may seem somewhat melodramatic and overly emotional, but I feel that my drive to do this has been entirely rational.
I have this yearning to reconstruct my sense of identity from the ground up. It seems common within psychology to percieve mental illness as an entity which exists within its own independent bubble; the metaphor of a cancer or disease is often used, or it is desribed in a language which acts to personaify it. I feel this can be inadvertently disingenuios. To me, my problems are inextricably linked to my personality and memories. My problems are a series of atavistic thoughts and behaviours which act to undermine me. Trying to understand and alter my identity plays a keyrole in recovery. I can't escape myself. I know that I will always be a produce of my past. However, I feel that by trying to destroy physical manifestations of my past can remove the stimuli that trigger these memories and habitual thoughts.
There are certainly postivies to this. I am looking towards the future, rather than merely embarking on some nihislitic destruction. With my Mum on holiday for a few days, I've taken the opporuntiy to paint to room. With the help of my sister, we are transforming it from a moody blue to a much lighter colour. We should be finished by tomorrow and the results look good so far (at least by amateur standards).
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I still have not taken any action on filling my days. I'm still prone to walking around the house in a maudlin frame of mind. I hope that in the next couple of weeks I can find the motivation towards taking practical steps forward.
See, I see depression (and anorexia) differently. I see them as illnesses which physically/chemically alter your thought patterns and personality. I was really interested in the neurobiology of mental illness for a while and it does make a lot of sense. I always hated the way people personified eating disorders and referred to them as being like cancer until recently, but actually, separating in my head which thoughts are 'symptoms' of anorexia and which are things I genuinely believe myself has been incredibly helpful to my recovery. I'm trying to take a similar approach with my anxiety/depression - for example, whenever I have a day when my mood is low I automatically start panicking that I'm going to get severely depressed and end up in hospital again. Now I tell myself that this is perfectly reasonable given my experiences, but that thoughts like that are a product of anxiety and depression, which are illnesses, and that these illnesses make you believe things about yourself and life which just aren't rational. I am converted; it really works.
ReplyDeleteIt does sound like you are taking some steps forward though - repainting your room was a really good idea :) maybe you could look for some voluntary work for a few months? It's must less pressured (and usually more fun) than paid work.
Oh look, I've written an essay. What a surprise :P
Katie x
Hey don't delete all your past!
ReplyDelete