On A New Beginning

Hi.

I'm J. A 27 year old male living in the UK. Of all the facets which define me, the most fundamental yet most oblique is that I have a long history of mental illness.

I feel that I'm really in a position to begin the long process of recovery. I think that writing an anonymous blog detailing my experiences of recovery and various other thoughts would help the process. I feel that the worst is behind me. No more periods of feeling that I'm losing my sanity, no more turning my back on 'normal' life and no more psychiatric wards. To simply recover in the sense that one is functional and no longer requires external support is not what I would define as recovery. It needs to be more than this, I need to carve out a niche in which life becomes valuable and worth living so as to remove any temptation to relapse.

Two events from last Monday will potentially have a big impact on the near future. The first is that I started seeing a new clinical psychologist. She turned out to be a very amicable Irish women with a soft face and probably only a few years on me. I felt immediately at ease, yet that did not make the session any less stressful. I struggled to find words to express myself and long silences ensued (remaining silent is a classic psychologist's trick to encourage someone to talk). Towards the end of the session, I felt like fleeing the room in panic. I had the second session yesterday which went surprising well. I felt more comfortable and this allowed me to talk freely and talk freely I did, to the extent that the session overran by twenty minutes. These first few sessions only serve to help her get to know me. Once the real psychotheraphy starts, I hope that it will be effective although past experiences leave me with some doubts.

The second event was that I acquired a new bed. This may seem frivolous except that I've had a chaotic sleep pattern including long bouts of insomnia for years. Since I was twenty, I've been sleeping on a single mattress on the floor. My new double bed has made such a difference. I'm able to get to sleep in under an hour and I sleep well for six hours or so. After a week of this, I'm finally starting to feel like my perpetual state of exhaustion is lifting and my cognitive abilities are becoming sharper. Long may this continue.

So, with my new psychologist and new bed, it is time to get on with my life.